


My Realization

by meloveslu



Category: The L Word (TV 2004)
Genre: F/F, Self-Reflection, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-23 13:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30055881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meloveslu/pseuds/meloveslu
Summary: Tina's POV leading up to her meeting Jodi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dusting off this old fic from 2010 with a few revisions. This is the first of a five chapter run that alternates POV between Tina and Bette and set with episode 408 as the backdrop. 
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, it's a tad angsty and intense at times, but hopefully you think it's a decent summary of Tina's feels over the first 4 seasons of the show. 
> 
> I plan to post the remaining chapters later this week as I continue to revise them.

I didn’t go over there with the intention of divulging all of that to you. Quite the contrary, actually. My intention was less than pure.

Alice said you had met someone, and that’s why she hadn’t seen you around much. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when she told me she didn’t have a whole lot of information other than her name was Jodi and she was one of the professors in your department at CU.

Despite my casual questioning for more details about the new woman who occupied your time these days, Alice was uncharacteristically disinterested in providing me with much of the particulars. Instead, she regaled me with stories about her new military crush.

To be honest, I think she was kind of uncomfortable discussing you being with someone else. I can’t really blame her. She was always the one who said that if you and I ever broke up it would really suck. And it did. For all of our friends. For you. And now, it totally sucks for me too.

The last time I saw you was when we quarreled in your office about which pre-school we would send Angie to. Of course, you were being your typical over-the-top, Type-A personality, and I was already frustrated with my inability to get a hold of you to discuss it in the first place.

That was always an issue for me, especially when we were together. When James would put me on hold, only to return to the line three minutes later to tell me you were still on another conference call, it irked me to no end. It was bad enough that we barely communicated at home, but when I couldn’t even tear you away from your work during the day just to tell you I love you, it was unbearable.

So of course I was a little more than perturbed when I couldn’t reach you by phone that day. Since I was already downtown anyway, I decided to just stop in. Knowing you as well as I did, I could tell you were stressed out. At that moment though, I just didn’t care.

When you called to apologize the next day, it was half-expected. _It wasn’t you I was mad at. You walked in the middle of clusterfuck created by none other than Alice herself. I’m sorry you took the brunt of it. I was hoping we can maybe have lunch or something to figure out what’s best for Angie._

My head told me to tell you to shove it; that I had heard that same song and dance so many times before when we were together and I would pout after you lost your temper and took it out on me. But my heart…my heart told me your apology was genuine and that you were making a conscious effort to co-parent with me after our selfish behavior nearly destroyed all of us when we returned from Whistler.

When I agreed to meet with you to talk about pre-school, I didn’t realize it would become my pretext for my next encounter with you.

I blame Jenny for forcing me to face myself and reevaluate the circumstances we found ourselves in. After reading her story in the New Yorker and then reliving the worst part of our relationship in her stupid book, I had to take a step back and convince myself that all the reasons she gave for me leaving you were not the real ones.

I wasn’t just testing the waters in an attempt to waste eight years of your life and mine on a relationship that was going nowhere. I never thought that. It was insulting to me, to you, to our relationship. But then I remembered that you had framed the issues the same way when I finally confessed my lingering feelings for men. What was written in that story was exactly the way you felt. And it hurt me so deeply.

I was so in love with you. To this day, I love you more than any other person besides our daughter. That book finally made me realize that I loved you so much that I forced myself to become numb to it in order to walk away. It was my defense mechanism. I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn’t love you anymore because I was still so angry with you.

We got back together before I had an opportunity to truly heal and process my heartbreak; before we had a chance to reconcile our problems and work together to re-build that strong foundation we once had.

I saw how badly you were hurting when your dad was sick. I felt incredibly guilty after I told you at the hospital that I was going to continue seeing Helena even though I still wanted to spend time with you too. It was extremely unfair of me but at the time it felt like it was what I needed. That’s why I apologized the night I came over after you had moved Melvin into your living room.

Seeing you so frail and listless made me remember how I always wanted to take care of you. It came naturally to me. So I did. When Melvin died, I made a choice to come back home because you needed me, and in truth, I needed you too.

Then when you lost your job at the CAC and I had Angelica, we were thrown by the new developments in our lives that happened so quickly. I saw that you were walking on eggshells around me. You did everything in your power to avoid confrontation with me, and maybe it was because you still carried around the guilt of your infidelity. But that awkwardness was something I was not used to seeing during those first six months of Angie’s life. It was like you had lost the fight in you; the fight that made me fall so hard for you in the first place. That passionate, fiery confidence that had been such a turn on for me was gone.

Then I began to remember the pain you had caused which made me focus on the baby and not on us. Because focusing on us would force us to deal with why we fell apart, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with that yet.

So I stewed in anger and pain until I pickled in my own misery. You were unemployed and I felt burdened trying to keep us financially afloat. That was when I began to resent you. The source of my pain was your infidelity and now that you no longer could support us, my security was jeopardized as was Angelica’s.

It was easier for me to be bitter than it was to try to fix us. I was no longer interested in being intimate with you because it made me sick just thinking about the things that other woman had done with you; to you. So many times I thought I should just ask you what happened between you two so that I could move on, but I couldn’t bear to hear the details.

I always had a problem being alone. I hadn’t been alone in nearly 10 years. When you came along I was with Eric. I started a relationship with you just as I was ending one with him, like jumping trains while both are still in motion. I had never really had time to just be by myself and figure out who I was; somehow, I needed that relationship to define me.

I told myself that I was only staying with you because I didn’t want to be alone. It was the only way I could convince myself that I didn’t care if you slept with Senator Grisham. When you called me that night from her apartment, of course I cared if you fucked her on her $50,000 carpet. Did you really need to ask? I guess you must have because when I didn’t answer you right away you hung up on me and assumed the worst.

And so did I. I thought it didn’t matter what I had to say because you were going to do what you wanted anyway. I was sure you had fucked her, over and over again, because we hadn’t had sex since before Angelica was born. After that phonecall, I didn’t sleep at all that night because I cried so hard to the point that I made myself literally sick.

Thinking back on it now, it was quite possibly your clandestine phone call to me from the Senator’s bathroom that finally put me over the edge and made me take notice of Josh. It just added to the hurt you put me through, to know that you were even considering cheating again. But I couldn’t bring myself to try to stop you.

I wasn’t sure if it was relief or disappointment I felt when you came home and told me you didn’t sleep with the Senator. I was relieved because it showed that you weren’t some sex-crazed serial cheater, yet, disappointed because it would have been a way out for me. A way to end both of our pain.

My humiliation from your betrayal coupled with the insecurity that you might do it again plus the financial burden you contributed little to, made me reassess my options. I felt vengeful. So I sought redemption and retribution. Breaking us up and breaking your heart wasn’t enough. I needed you to really feel what I felt; for you to bear that cross of humiliation was what I really wanted in order to even the score.

So I left. Involved myself with men, thinking it would be so much simpler, safer, normal. I longed to feel normal again. It was something I hadn’t felt since long before the miscarriage. The last time I felt normal was with you, but you just weren’t an option for me anymore.

I was foolish to think I was over you. That I didn’t love you anymore. Like I said, it was my defense mechanism. Pretending not to care about you anymore made it easier to hurt you. Masking my true feelings for you in hate was really just me projecting my own feelings about myself onto you. I couldn’t stand the person I was becoming.

Do you remember the mixer Henry and I threw for our gay and straight friends? It was that night that I remember looking at you from across the room and really seeing you again. Maybe it was Henry’s asshole friend who was instantly attracted to you that made those jealous feelings return. The same feelings that made me cling to you whenever anyone leered at you while we were together.

Then you took on his bigoted friend. Despite my warnings to leave it alone, you didn’t. You had gotten your fight back, only this time it wasn’t directed at me. And all of those memories came flooding back like an emotional tidal wave drowning me in all of that longing and carnal attraction that was ever-present at the beginning of our relationship.

When you left with Shane that night I wanted so badly for you to stay. It was painful to see you walk out on those long lean legs I had been stealing glances at all night in that gorgeous black cocktail dress. I couldn’t help but think that you dressed to impress that evening just to get a rise out of me; to see if I was still physically attracted to you. And I know you know that I was. I saw what a farce I was living trying to keep up appearances with Henry’s friends. I couldn’t deny it. Of course I was still attracted to you. You were still in my heart. I fought like hell to push those feelings aside like I had been so successful at doing for the last few months.

You had already made up your mind about why I was with Henry. I figured all our friends thought the same way; that I was just some straight girl who was only toying with the idea of a forever with you and that I never expected it to last. It’s one thing to suspect that’s what all your friends and former lover think about you, but it was an entirely different thing to read the words forever immortalized in book form.

I hated Jenny for making me see what everyone else was seeing. I knew it was time to work on me.

And that’s what I was doing. Then Alice sprang the news on me.

I needed to know more even though it wasn’t my place. I had no right. I had given it up when I chose to leave. After all, I was still with Henry. And I still am to an extent.

It was the next morning that I called you to say that I would pick up Angie myself from your house since I was giving Hazel a few days off when you finally spoke with Angus. Knowing how well Kit was handling his cheating, I had no choice but to give pause and reflect even more on our past.

When I got to our house, or your house rather, you answered the door in a purple tank top that showed your well-defined arms and almost rendered me speechless. You always looked good in anything you wore though.

We discussed getting Angie into a private school and that we would check them out together. It was a civilized conversation. No, it was more than civilized, it was friendly. Finally.

Angie kept us preoccupied with her puzzles before you put her in the high chair to give her some breakfast and I accepted your offer to make us some tea.

That’s when my onslaught of questions began, to get my confirmation of the facts according to Alice. You smiled shyly as you talked about the new lady in your life.

It surprised me that you had taken the initiative to learn sign language “to communicate with her better.” But it was totally you. Wanting to expand your horizons and take on something as challenging as learning sign language was definitely a Bette Porter move.

I felt my heart drop the more I thought about it though. Where was that initiative to better communicate with me when we were together? And we spoke the same goddamn language! I chased those selfish thoughts from my head. I needed to accept that you weren’t mine anymore. And you looked genuinely happy. I hadn’t seen you that happy in a long time. It did nothing to ease the sting that I was no longer the cause of that happiness.

And then you directed the conversation back to Jenny and her fucking story.

That’s when I had no choice but to voice my concerns. “Is that really what people think of me?”

You acted like I was crazy to think that was the truth. But when I reminded you of your own statements of a similar vein, you finally conceded that what we had _was_ real, and for the first time since our acrimonious split, you acknowledged my love for you.

I wasn’t expecting such candidness from you. It felt like you were finally making peace with our past and moving on. I had to verbalize my reality, I couldn’t stop myself, you had to know that my love for you didn’t just stop or go away. It was never erased, even with all of the shit we put each other through.

You were my first. My first everything. How could I not still love you?

But when you told me you loved me too, I felt like I needed to say more and qualify my love for you. I know you didn’t mean that you loved me in the way that I still love you.

I promise you, I wasn’t looking for your physical comfort. And I would be lying if I told you I didn’t welcome it…enjoy it even. I did make a mistake. I finally saw it.

If Jodi hadn’t walked in when she did, I have no doubt that I would have tried to kiss you. I longed for your physical love again, no matter how much I tried to delude myself otherwise. You probably don’t care, but I never let Henry go down on me. I knew he could never be able to make me feel the way it felt when I was with you. Had I let him try, it only would have served to remind me of what I had given up by walking away from us.

God Bette, the look on your face when you saw her and immediately let go of me to greet her with gentle kisses. It was so hard to watch. Memories of being on the receiving end of that reaction from you came flooding back like a thousand tsunamis drowning me in regret.

Then as I watched her interact with our daughter, I knew this was for real. You belonged to her now. It was really over between you and me. There was no “you and me.” My 11th hour confession was too little, too late.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bette's perspective after the first awkward introduction between Jodi and Tina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Bette's turn for a little self-reflection after that almost encounter with Tina. Thanks for reading!

You completely caught me off guard. Here I thought we were having a grown up discussion about preschool options, my recently revived dating life, and your annoyance in attempting to capture the rights to Jenny’s new book.

Had I known it was going to turn into the couch session confessional hour, I would have been more prepared. I was suddenly having flashbacks of us parked in front of Dan Foxworthy as he sized us up behind laced fingers in front of his mouth. 

When you told me you still loved me, I figured you were just waxing nostalgic. I know you missed hanging out with all the girls and your relationship with Henry was partly the reason for that. But let’s face it, I was mostly to blame for that. And in that instant, I felt the guilt seeping in.

It wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to tell you that I love you, too. It’s the truth. You were my first love, T. Not everyone gets over their first. But we had grown apart so much and had battled each other’s demons (and recently) so hard, that my love for you as a person had evolved. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself for now.

Of course, that thought of “what could have been” will forever haunt the back of my mind; what could have been if we had been strong enough to weather through our worst of times together? But in a sense, I think we have weathered through them together. I mean, if we hadn’t, I doubt you would’ve been here, sitting in my living room while we talked and watched our daughter finish her breakfast.

Sometimes I look at her and I see overwhelming evidence that you are her mother. The little facial expressions she makes when she’s concentrating really hard on something mirror yours when you’re doing the same. The little crinkle between her eyes when she smiles mischievously is your crinkle. And then there’s that gentle and nurturing spirit with all things smaller than her. You did such a good job, Tina. Angelica is just as beautiful and warm as her birth mother. I could never say enough good things about you two.

As I watched Angie play with her food, you continued to explain the longing to be a part of that entourage we both held so dear to us back when we were “Bette and Tina.” I couldn’t help but feel bad that our crew now seemed to be more my crew than yours.

I looked at you, not wanting to necessarily relive the good times we had together as a couple because it makes me sad that it was over a long time ago. But when you spend the better part of 8 years with someone, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the memories of the good times; times when we were both so happy and in love.

I didn’t tell you that I missed you too, but you have to know that I do. But I think I’ve reached a point where I am okay again without you. I have accepted your relationship with Henry, however confusing to me. I had no choice really. It would have eaten me alive if I didn’t make peace with your situation and the decisions you have made.

In all honesty, maybe it’s good that Angie has a male figure in her life, despite my inherent jealousy of Henry’s place as a pseudo-parent for her. As much as it pains me to say this, I think Mikey could be a good influence on her too as far as socializing her with other kids right now. That reminds me, I should ask Shane if she ever wants me to watch Shay while I have Angie. Shit. Focus, Porter.

You just looked so defeated as you poured your heart out on my couch. My instinct told me to comfort you. Instinct is not something you can just unlearn or resist. It’s innate. I wanted to hold you and take away all your pain. Especially the pain that I had caused in the months leading up to and after our final breakup.

It was my way of apologizing to you for the way I callously characterized our relationship according to you as some inconsequential trial run for you. I know I had been so unfair to you, but to acknowledge that our relationship was the real deal for you was tantamount to acknowledging my failure as a partner to keep you in love with me. I wasn’t ready to admit that I had failed you twice in our relationship; first being unfaithful to you and second, feeling like I was trying so hard to make it up to you only the reality was I came up so very short. You deserved so much more from me.

Although it’s taken me some time, like I said, I’m okay now. But it hasn’t been easy. I thought about you every night I lied in our bed alone while you were with him. Crying myself to sleep wasn’t just common, it was my nightly ritual for so long, T.

And as much as it hurt me, the only thing I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, even if it was at the expense of my own happiness. After I picked myself up off the floor a few months after you left, I just repeated the phrase “it’s okay, she’s happier now” over and over to myself. It oddly brought me a little peace.

Then it dawned on me when you fell into my arms, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this entire time, you haven’t been happier. And I’m the reason. Our friends sided with me this time, and marginalized you as some sort of traitor to the crown. That couldn’t have been easy for you.

As I held you there on my couch, I reveled in your touch once again only to feel guilty that here I was comforting my former lover while waiting for my current lover to come by and spend the day with me until she was ready for her date tonight with her future lover. It’s like it was some big cosmological joke orchestrated by the gods of love and war together, to test the boundaries of my sanity.

I felt you hold on to me tightly, the way you used to when I would envelop and soothe you so that you wouldn't have to pop a Xanax after a bad day at the studio back when we first got together. But I certainly wasn’t prepared for the admission you uttered against my shoulder while I stroked your back.

A mistake? Oh God, Tina, please don’t think of it like that. Not now, anyway. Not when I have finally broken away from the hold you placed on my heart and gently pried it open to someone new. I wasn’t ready for that at all. I wouldn’t be able to deal with some sort of glimmer of false hope right now.

For a split second, I thought perhaps you were just being selfish because you knew I was seeing someone now, whereas before, you were the only one of us who had moved on to a new relationship. The thought was gone as quickly as it came though when I answered you.

As I pulled back and stroked your hair and face, I thought I saw a flicker of desire, but before it could reel me in as it had so many times in the past, I heard the front screen door creak open. I looked up and there she was, staring at me with curious blue eyes.

I gently pulled away from you, my past, sitting next to me on my couch and stood to walk toward my present and possible future that was lingering in my doorway.

I honestly did not imagine that this would be how the first introduction went. My plan was to introduce her to Kit first. But you know what they say about best laid plans.

When I returned to the sitting room to deliver the diaper bag, I heard you comment on Angie’s signing. I had hoped you were excited that our daughter was so quick to pick it up at only 2 and-a-half years old. As I stood there next to Jodi and Angelica, I got the feeling that your seemingly innocuous comment that Jodi “must be spending a lot of time here” was more of a realization for you.

I was trying to decipher the look on your face from where I was standing. Your smile was tight; forced. Needless to say, there was an air of awkwardness as I realized for the first time the role reversal was finally upon us, and you were the parent on the outside looking in on the family that I had always wanted. Only I didn’t force you to take a photograph of that moment.

Once Jodi made her way to my kitchen, you and I exchanged pleasantries and the diaper bag. I picked up Boo from her highchair and peppered her with kisses before handing her off to you. You asked me if it was okay that you were leaving Angie with Henry this evening since he had Mikey this weekend so that you could come to Kit’s show. I told you that was fine, smirking on the inside trying to figure out if you brought them up to remind yourself of your chosen family or to try to weaponize them against me one last time before you left.

Reason won out over both of those inappropriate suppositions and I recognized that you genuinely wanted to make sure it was okay since half our nanny team would be at the show with us while the other half was suspended indefinitely for crimes against my sister.

I watched as you carried Angie to your car and she waved at me over your shoulder the entire way until you settled her into her car seat. There was a pang of loss I experienced as I waved back. Did I miss my moment with you just then? Is it possible that someday, somehow, you and I can make amends and finally be that family we always talked about when we held each other in post-coital perspiration during those nights we dreamed of our future together?

I shook my head with a long sigh and walked back inside in search of my swimsuit, and prepared myself to face my polyamorous companion about her upcoming evening.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More from Bette's perspective as she contemplates her relationship with Tina before and while they hang out at Kit's show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bette is all sorts of chaotic energy in this chapter. Can't really blame her though because this was definitely the beginning of Tina sending mixed signals. You may recognize some of the dialogue as I am now building onto what we've seen on screen for purposes of beefing up the storytelling. 
> 
> Hope everyone had a great St. Paddy's! Cheers!

I’m not sure what I expected from Jodi. I told her I didn’t want her to cancel her date, but that was only partially true. I didn’t want her to cancel because that’s what I wanted. No, I wanted her to cancel because that was what _she_ wanted. But she didn’t. I wanted her to want me and only me. I realized how epically impossible that was in light of the fact that just last weekend, I found out that she was not a practicing monogamist.

Part of me thinks this is some sort of Karmic return for my own bad behavior when Tina and I were still together. I was unable to remain faithful in my last relationship, so it followed that I was undeserving of that promise from anyone else. It doesn’t hurt any less, though.

I am deeply and profoundly sorry for the way I treated my ex for so long and for the way I destroyed our relationship. It still stings to refer to Tina as my ex, but it’s a reality with which we have both become adjusted. My only hope is that she finally realizes that I truly am sorry for tearing us apart; just like I have realized that she really was in love with me.

Then I had the most selfish thought as I sat there with Jodi in my backyard. I thought perhaps Tina’s heartfelt confession about still loving me might be my ticket back to enjoying her company again while still seeing Jodi. God, could I be anymore pathetic? Wanting to date both the mother of my child and the woman who would rather I didn’t have a child?

Of course, Tina would never go for that! What am I thinking? Jesus, I must have been suffering from a temporary lapse in intelligence just then. As if Tina would even consider getting back together with me, let alone if she knew that we would not be exclusive. She puts a premium on monogamy just like I do…or did…or still do. Besides that, she’s still with Henry. He’s her exclusive. She’s definitely not entertaining any thoughts of getting back together with me.

Now that I think about it, it was kind of strange, because she didn’t even mention Henry the entire time she was here until she asked if it was okay that he watches Angie tonight. There was a time where she couldn’t go without throwing his name at me whenever we spoke. Maybe she’s finally done rubbing him in my face to an extent. It’s kind of a relief that he’s not going to be at Kit’s show tonight.

Wait, but what if the reason he isn’t coming is really because they’re having problems? Would she even tell me about it? Probably not. We may be civil with each other, but I don’t think that we’re quite at the comfort level that would allow her to confide in me about her relationship problems with the man I lost her to.

And yet, my curiosity is still piqued about his non-appearance this evening. He must really trust her to let her go out to see her ex-partner’s sister sing in the company of all of her lesbian friends. Of course he trusts her, Tina isn’t one not to be trusted, but still. There’s no way I would ever let her go out alone like that to hang out with an ex. But that’s just me. Or at least, that was me.

Maybe Henry is so confident and secure in his manhood that he doesn’t think twice about Tina going places where she will be devoured by stares. And I won’t lie, I may be the owner and operated of one of those stares. We may be broken up, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten how absolutely stunning Tina is. The only difference between me and the rest of the oglers is that I have had the pleasure and privilege of seeing her naked. So I can appreciate how truly gorgeous she is.

Fuck! What am I doing? Stop thinking about your ex, Bette. She doesn’t want you back. She was just waxing nostalgic about the good times, that’s all. Right?

\------

When I stepped into the Planet, my mind was still reeling about Jodi and the date she was on at that exact moment. Amy. That was the bitch’s name. There was no way I’d be able to handle this non-exclusivity clause with her. I felt the bile rising in the back of my throat at the thought again.

Then I saw the woman who used to own my heart. The one woman who knew what it meant to love to the exclusion of all others. She was already there throwing back a martini. Images of her and me during our “Sexy Cocktail Hour” routine came flooding back in an instant. We would come home after a long day for both of us at our respective jobs and put on silky kimono robes like we were female versions of Hugh Hefner, while mixing up a drink for the other.

I chuckled aloud when I remembered what a goofy drunk Tina was, as she tried to seduce me with the cocktail shaker while swaying her hips to and fro just barely keeping her balance. It wasn’t too long before it became “Naked Cocktail Hour” once she was good and liquored up.

Taking a few steps toward my past, she looked up at me and her face broke into the cutest grin. God, I was such a sucker for that smile at times. And tonight was no exception.

I know my own smile was one of hesitancy, and I have no doubt she sensed it.

“Hey,” she greeted me first.

“Hey,” I said, knowing my voice didn’t exude its typical confidence. I caught her looking past me, as her eyes searched the crowd I left in my wake. I pulled the chair out that was next to her at our reserved table. “What are you drinking?”

“Martini.”

“Dry with a splash of cran?”

“Of course.”

I nodded, reminded again of Sexy Cocktail Hour.

“You alone?” she asked, and I could have sworn it was in a hopeful tone.

“I am tonight.” I replied simply, trying to catch the waitress’s attention. “Seen Kit?”

“Briefly. She seems a little nervous.”

“She’s always nervous before a big show.” The waitress finally saw me and headed toward the table I was sharing with my ex.

“Hey, Bette! What can I get ya?” the bubbly server addressed me by name and with a wink. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tina slightly tense. I hesitated in slight confusion and made brief eye contact with her before making my drink decision.

“Um…let me get a Manhattan. On the rocks, please.” I smiled up at the blue-eyed waitress taking my order.

“You got it, darlin.” The server said, biting her lower lip with another wink before scampering off to the bar.

Tina sighed before she took a swig of her own beverage. “Some things never change, do they?”

I looked at her, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“You know, your choice in beverage, my choice in beverage…the flirting.” She mumbled the last word so that I barely caught it as she brought the glass to her lips again.

“What?” I said with a shocked face.

She swallowed, smiling at me. “You heard me.”

“I wasn’t flirting with her.”

“I didn’t say _you_ were flirting.” She was being vague. But I wasn’t going to bite.

I was starting to think that Tina might actually be jealous. Not just of Jodi, but of the waitress who just took my order.

I looked around, hoping that maybe Alice or Shane had finally arrived to interrupt this weird tension between us that continued to mount since earlier that morning. My tablemate must have noticed and took it as a sign that I was looking for Jodi.

“So where is she?”

Oh fuck, I did not want to answer that question. So I stalled.

“Where’s who?”

“Jodi.”

Time to deflect. It’s what I did best. I was lucky that my drink arrived just in time for me to offer up an apology.

“Here ya go, Bette. I put it on your tab with Kit, okay?”

“Okay, thanks.” I took a sip then directed my attention to the blonde beside me. “Listen, I want to apologize for not warning you about her coming over. I honestly didn’t know that you two would cross paths like that, I was hoping to have a more formal introduction, you know, with all of our friends. So if it was awkward this morning, I’m sorry.”

She smiled sweetly.

“You don’t have to apologize, Bette. It’s your house, you can have over whomever you want, whenever you want. It’s fine.”

I watched her face as she spoke. It sure sounded sincere. “Okay.” I took another sip of my own drink and watched the crowd shuffle around to find a seat. “I’m really excited for my sister tonight. I hope this album really takes off for her.”

“Yeah, me too. Kit deserves it. She’s worked really hard.”

“I’m so proud of how well she’s been doing. I don’t think she’s had a drink since before daddy died.”

And in a weird twist of irony, Tina lifted her martini glass to meet mine and we toasted to my sister. At least we weren’t talking about Jodi anymore.

“So, how long have you two been dating?”

Dammit. Spoke too soon.

“Not long. Few weeks, maybe.” Yep. I think I detected a very envious Kennard. That

needed another sip.

“You seem crazy about her.”

“What makes you say that?” I looked at her expectantly. I saw how uneasy she was becoming. This was hard for her. She was trying to play it off. I’ve been there. It’s not fun.

She searched her drink for the answer. I looked away so as not to make her more uncomfortable than she clearly already was.

“Just the way you looked at her.”

“Hmm.” I said with a long nod of my head.

“That look, I know that look.” The softness of her voice made me smile because I know how hard she’s trying to not let it affect her. “You used to look at me like that back in the day.” She added with a sigh.

Jesus, Tina, what do you want from me? It’s so confusing. This is what _you_ wanted. Isn’t it?

“Are you in love with her?”

Now that, I wasn’t ready for.

“Hoh, God, Tina, I don’t know.”

“I think you are.” She said softly.

“It’s way too soon. I don’t, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Why isn’t she here?”

Fuck. “She’s deaf.”

“Oh. Of course. I’m sorry.”

“Why isn’t Henry here?”

She blew out a breath. “Oh, he’s, uh, I don’t know. Clueless!”

“Of course. I’m sorry.” I laughed a little. I didn’t mean to be smug, but it must have come off like that to her.

“Um, waiter, can I um, have another? Well, I can’t blame you for gloating.”

“I’m, I’m not gloating. I mean really, the real reason Jodi isn’t here is because she has a…” I heard a voice say “hello” behind us and turned to see Jenny walking towards us in some God-awful dress that reminded me of that scary swan dress that Bjork wore to the Grammy’s that one year. Finally, the interruption I was looking for to get my mind off of Jodi and her date.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina fights her natural urges to be physically close to Bette while coming to terms with admitting her feelings to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this little short story. There will be one more installment to end this story that will wrap up the scene that we did not get to see and it begins at the end of this chapter.

That voice. Ugh! A voice that I had come to know all too well. That voice that is now like nails grating on a nearby chalkboard to me. Fuck you, Jenny. Of course you would have to ruin this moment with me and Bette. You’re hell bent on ruining my professional life, you’ve already exposed my personal life, so it’s no surprise that you were the interloper this evening by infiltrating what’s left of my pathetic little social life.

Fuck. I wondered what Bette was going to say just then. I figured once the petulant brat left, I could ask her. Wait a minute, what the fuck was Jenny wearing?

God, I knew the moment Bette walked in wearing that sheer blue top and those black flowing pants that I would have to struggle to keep my hands and eyes to myself and my libido in check. I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger a while on the beautifully sculpted shoulder visible through the blue fabric, and the way her dangling earring caught the light as she swung her head around to greet her neighbor.

When I realized that Jenny was actually speaking to me, I looked up at her. The fake smile I had become accustomed to in this business betrayed the feeling of contempt I had for this so-called writer who had injected herself into our conversation.

I could read her smug attitude despite her assurance that it was “looking good” for me. I took another sip of my martini, secretly praying the waiter would immediately return with my new order.

“Oh, what’s looking good for Tina?” I heard Bette ask. If only she had directed that question to me, I could have answered her with the utmost honesty. _You. You’re looking good for Tina right now. You’ve always looked good for Tina. Even on your worst day, you looked good for Tina. But Tina screwed it up._

Okay, I admit, I was getting carried away. So many feelings had resurfaced for me, that I didn’t know how to play it cool. I’d like to think I pulled it off well, but I’m probably just trying to fool myself.

I mean, the tone of voice in which I was speaking to her about Jodi? I knew it was flirtatious. Bitterly flirtatious. Did I really tell her that she used to look at me the same way when we first started dating? Yep, I sure as hell did. My intention was not to come off as the bitter ex, especially in light of the fact that I was the one who ended things, but I couldn’t help it.

Do I really care if Bette is over me? I can’t answer that any other way but in the affirmative.

She was _my_ Bette. She’s always been _my_ Bette. Even now, I still kind of believe that, but I’m slowly starting to come to grips with our reality. I think that in the back of my mind, I always kind of hoped that reconciliation would be possible. And now that I see that some other woman has essentially replaced me in her life, it stings.

Yet, it’s difficult for me to sift through the real reason why it stings. Is it because Bette is no longer in love with me? Is it because she isn’t smiling that way because of me? Is it because my window for reconciliation has probably long since closed? Is it because I made a mistake? Is it because I was so hell bent on making her feel the pain that I felt that I have now lost her forever?

All I can hope for now is that she won’t shy away from a friendship that I would really like to forge with her. It seems like we started off on a really good foot towards that this morning, despite my candid confession. I can’t imagine her completely out of my life, even though I may have tried convincing myself just a short time ago that it was exactly what I wanted.

And I know she would never be completely removed from my life. We have a daughter together for Christ’s sake, we are forever linked, whether we like it or not.

My attention again focused on the annoying voice who was still speaking to me, instructing me to talk to her agents. Fuck. Sometimes this job isn’t worth all the ass kissing it requires. I inquired as to what exactly I should be discussing with her team, and before I knew it, Bette was running to my rescue the way she used to when she could sense that I was beginning to lose my patience.

I watched her as she made her argument as to why Jenny’s agents should choose my studio for her project. Bette was in protector mode. My smile was difficult to suppress. She hadn’t done this in so long and I began getting a little nostalgic. It was still flattering, and very sexy to observe.

Bette used to speak about my work with glowing pride. Early in our relationship, I had to rein her in a few times when she felt that I was being railroaded by various people in the business. On more than one occasion, I had to remind her that despite my meager appearance at times, I was very capable of handling a douche bag producer or drama-queen actress and getting what I wanted in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated Bette’s desire to protect me, and to defend my honor. It got me hot, and when we finally got back home, I would show her just how hot it got me.

As I watched her handle Jenny so eloquently, I couldn’t help but feel overcome with gratitude. I think this friend thing is going to work between us after all. The way she deflected Jenny’s question about hiring her if she were Dean of the English Department was so genius. I couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

When Jenny walked away with her condescending wave, I felt my stomach churn. “Can’t wait.” I said as I tasted my martini once again, hoping that it would relieve the agitated state of my insides.

“It’s incredible.” I heard Bette mutter, with a smile bred from her astonishment at the tenacity of the woman I had been dealing with these last few weeks.

I could no longer help myself when I turned to her. I reached out and touched her arm softly so that she would look at me.

“Thank you.” I offered with a sweet smile. Little did she know I was thanking her for bringing back that loving feeling again like she had orchestrated the Righteous Brothers’ tune herself. At least the waiter had brought me a refill.

She explained how she thought it should just be automatic. I knew where that mind set came from. Bette Porter was about the most loyal person I have ever come to know and love. And still love. Love so much, in fact, that I had to tell her in that instant.

“That’s one of the things I love about you.” I said as I watched her sip her own drink.

“What, that I’m a bombastic bully?” She was still quick, I had to give her that.

“That you’re loyal and unswerving in your convictions.” I went back to my drink and let that settle in for a moment.

I’m positive she knew that I was flirting with her. And why not? Henry wasn’t there. Jodi wasn’t there. It was just us. And the familiarity of the moment was so intoxicating to me.

I found myself scooting closer to her when more people joined our table. My hand was in my lap and I had to exercise more and more restraint not to let it do what it was so comfortable doing, and that was to grab Bette’s hand and place it back down on my lap.

There were so many times when we would sit in various public places, whether with friends or by ourselves, and would be holding hands, resting them on top of my thigh. Our fingers would play and dance together and we’d gently stroke and caress the other’s hand. If we were sitting at a table with a long table cloth, our hand play would often times escalate into leg play. And during the times when I wore a skirt, Bette’s fingers would slowly make their way inside of it, and ultimately inside of me for a brief and discreet encounter. We were so adventurous when we first got together. It was so hard to keep our hands off of one another. I loved it.

Fuck, Bette, what happened to us?

I looked at her again with longing. We locked eyes again for a brief moment. I had to look away. She was unbearably gorgeous. I could tell that she was perplexed, wanting to know what I wanted and why, but she would never ask in this setting.

I was probably scaring her. At the very least, I was confusing her. It wasn’t something I could control.

Jenny sat at our table with her agent dream team, Becca Roberts, Brian Dutton, and Joe, whose last name I didn’t really care about because he was an idiot anyway. I had forgotten that Brian was a long-time art collector and knew Bette when she had her own gallery.

When they started talking about the Pettibon exhibit, I remembered the controversial pieces Bette and I had purchased together at a gallery in New York. I couldn’t stop myself from joining the conversation and acknowledging our purchases.

Then, when Joe asked us if we were together, I deferred to Bette, realizing that I may have confused the poor bastard who had been looking around, panting like the perverted dog he was.

I looked at her wondering how she was going to handle the question. She glanced at me before answering with such grace and class; textbook Bette Porter.

“No, not anymore. But we bought them when we were, together.”

I shot Joe a smug smile before Alice and her soldier took their seats next to me. I think I may have scooted a little bit closer to Bette at that point.

Becca then wanted to get down to brass tacks with the offers that were on the table. I slipped back into work mode and made my pitch as to how true to the story I wanted to keep this project. Of course, Jenny was the first to comment on my seeming inability to control the project. That’s when _my_ Bette, again, came to my defense. Only this time, it was in front of a whole table full of people, including some of our friends.

Then Joe got all creepy with Alice and Tasha. It was a bit awkward. If it wasn’t for Max coming up to introduce us to the girl with the cool t-shirt slogan, I think we would have been stewing in the awkwardness the rest of the night.

I felt myself leaning towards Bette’s chair as we went around the table talking about different t-shirts and sayings about the war we had all seen. I wondered if Bette had noticed my close proximity. She didn’t lean into me, but she didn’t shy away either.

Once the lights turned down and Kit was about to take center stage, I leaned even more towards Bette, just to be that much closer to her. I could smell her perfume and I started to get a little excited. I hadn’t been in a dark room with her in a long time.

When Kit and Angus started playing their sexy song, I couldn’t help but get into it. The lyrics were dirty, and made me want the singer’s little sister even more. I heard Bette chuckling and cheering for her sister. I knew she was proud of her. Hell, I was proud of Kit.

She was a much better person than I for moving past Angus’s infidelity to be standing on stage singing such a sexually-charged song with him. I looked at Bette, and thought to myself, why couldn’t I be that person? And then, I realized exactly what was happening.

I watched in horror as Bette stood up and chased after the broken couple.

“What the fuck just happened?” Alice asked.

I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe the reality of Angus fucking my nanny finally set in.” I answered.

“Angus was fucking your nanny!?” Alice exclaimed.

“Jesus, Al, can you keep your voice down?” Shane asked from the table behind us. “Wait, Tina, was he really doin’ her?” she asked me.

I looked back at Shane. What the fuck, did nobody know?

“Bette and Kit didn’t tell you guys?” I asked.

“Uh, I think we would have remembered a big deal like Angus cheating on Kit, Tina. When the fuck did this happen?” Alice followed up.

My own reality set in as I realized that I had inadvertently told Kit about Angus’s cheating. Bette hadn’t told her at all. I closed my eyes at the new realization. “Fuck! Holy shit, you guys. This is my fault.” I said quietly, staring at what was left of my cocktail.  
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt someone storming up to our table. I turned and saw Kit, red-faced and glassy-eyed.

“Kit, I am so sorry.” I apologized. I truly was. I knew all too well how she felt. How humiliated she was. How she wished she had never given her heart away. The look in her eye told me everything that I felt when I discovered that Bette had betrayed our commitment to one another. And much like my own reaction, Kit had burst into a violent fit, directed at the one responsible for her heartbreak.

After Kit and Papi made their hasty exit, everyone seemed to kind of lose interest in the night. While Tasha used the restroom, Alice told me that they were probably going to be leaving because she was pissed about the war discussion we were having. Shane and Paige were itching to leave so they could go get it on, although I was 99% sure that they had gotten it on just before they got here which is why they snuck in late. Max was busy laughing and joking with the new intern, and Jenny was content hanging out with her new cronies.

Bette had not come back from Kit’s office yet, so I excused myself from the group to check on her. As I walked to the back, I discovered that my legs were a bit unsteady, a tell tale sign that my alcohol intake had accomplished its goal for the evening.  
I found her sitting on the couch, her head in her hands. Easing the door shut, I stepped in to take a seat next to her.

“I’m sorry, Bette.”

“For what, Tina?” she didn’t lift her head.

“I thought you had told her about him. About them.”

The deep breath I heard her take told me she didn’t know it was me who had let the cat out of the bag.

“I was hoping to avoid causing my sister the same pain and heartache I caused you.”

I didn’t respond to that statement. We were never going to see eye to eye on the issue, but Kit deserved to know the truth, no matter how much pain she suffered.

“I think she’s drinking again.” She said solemnly.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Do me a favor and check the drawer over there.” She pointed to just behind Kit’s desk.

I stood and lightly treaded over and pulled open the drawer. Sure enough, there was a half bottle of vodka tossed on top of a few files. I gently shut the drawer and looked up at Bette. She sat all the way against the back of the couch, her arms crossed in front of her, with a knowing smirk.

“Vodka?” She asked me. I could only nod weakly.

She nodded too. And closed her eyes as she slowly shook her head.

“I think everyone is getting out of here. You gonna be okay?” I asked. I was concerned that Bette would likely beat herself up for this.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She opened her eyes, they were kind of watering. “What about you? Do you need a ride?”

I was taken aback by the question.

“What? Why?”

“T, you’ve been drinking. How many did you have, four? Five?”

The truth was, I didn’t know.

“I’m fine, Bette, really.”

“Are you staying at Henry’s tonight?”

The question caught me off guard a bit. I hadn’t planned on it, but I wondered why she wanted to know.

“No. Actually, he’s watching Angie at my house.” I left out the part where I didn’t want him to stay the night.

“Why don’t you let me drive you home, T?”

Any other night, I probably would have put up a fight and insisted on driving myself home despite Bette’s concern. But I knew she was right, I had definitely had too much to drink for driving to be a wise decision at the moment. And in all honesty, I looked forward to being a passenger in a car Bette Porter was driving once again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bette gives Tina a ride home and it's a little tense and uncomfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give to you the final installment of this show-based short fic. I have to warn you, it's a little angsty and a whole lotta heart-breaking, but such was the show at times.
> 
> I decided that since the previous four chapters were from each of the girls' perspectives, this final chapter needed to be told from the outside looking in. Occasionally, you see both characters' thoughts in certain places, but since this is supposed to be a scene we never saw, I opted to allow you readers to draw your own conclusions as to how both of them would have felt if this scene had made it on screen.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read the whole thing. Hope you enjoyed it!

Once they settled up their tabs, Bette and Tina said goodbye to the friends remaining at the Planet. Tina followed closely behind Bette out to the parking lot, struggling with her desire to reach for the taller woman’s hand. It had been a number of months since they had driven together in the same vehicle. The blonde could feel her stomach doing somersaults at the thought of being in such close proximity with her ex again.

Bette, on the other hand, was preoccupied with thoughts of her sister to pay too much attention to Tina’s anxiety. She hoped that Papi would do right by Kit and make sure she was safe. She absent-mindedly unlocked the door to her Lexus SUV and opened the passenger-side door for Tina.

“Thank you.” Tina said as she hoisted herself into the front seat.

“No problem.” Bette replied, shutting the door carefully once Tina was all the way in.  
With a deep breath, Tina closed her eyes, trying to pull herself together a bit. Setting her purse down, she checked herself in the visor mirror and saw the flushed cheeks that gave away her lack of sobriety. She quickly flipped up the visor as if ignoring her reflection would make her slightly inebriated state disappear.

Bette slid into the driver’s seat and started up the engine. She looked toward Tina who was looking out her window to avoid eye contact.

“You ready?” the brunette asked in a quiet voice.

“I’m ready when you are.” Tina boldly stated, meeting Bette’s gaze and hoping that the double meaning behind her declaration would be understood.

Bette quickly averted her eyes, turning her head to look behind them as her right hand reached for the back of Tina’s headrest. Tina could smell the familiar scent of Bette’s perfume and swallowed thickly. Reversing the car, Bette maneuvered her SUV out of the Planet parking lot and onto the road.

Tina was almost thankful that she lived on the West side, which meant that the ride would be that much longer. She folded her hands in her lap and leaned her head against the seat as she closed her eyes.

“You feeling okay?” Bette asked, ready to pull over if Tina gave the word.

With a small smile, Tina opened her eyes and turned her head so that it was still against the headrest while she looked at Bette.

“I’m fine. Really, I’m not that drunk. And don’t worry, I won’t get sick in your car.” She chuckled, trying to loosen her ex up a little.

The chuckle was contagious as Bette laughed shyly. “Just checking. Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you were a lightweight.”

“Yes you did.” Tina answered with a knowing smile. “You’ve always thought that I was a lightweight, remember?” She couldn’t take her eyes off the driver as she once again brought up their past. “You enjoyed it because I used to throw myself at you.” Her voice trailed off when she saw Bette’s smile fade. Tina turned to face out the front window again to ease Bette’s discomfort.

She wanted to tell Bette how sorry she was for continuing to conjure up memories of the past, but she wasn’t sorry. She needed Bette to remember them too. It was a passive aggressive method, that, ironically, was a very familiar dance that Tina had perfected throughout the latter part of their relationship.

_Why can’t I just tell her what I’m feeling?_ Tina scolded herself, knowing that this form of communication was a pattern that she didn’t want to fall victim too anymore.

Bette reached for the volume knob on her car stereo and turned it up. Her passenger smiled when she immediately recognized the album. Frou Frou’s “Details” was always one of Bette’s favorite albums. Tina’s thoughts immediately went to all the times they had made love to this album. She closed her eyes as the soothing melody of “Let Go” enraptured her.

With a deep sigh, Bette shook herself out of her own reverie about Kit and the events that had transpired. She glanced at Tina, whose head was tilted back onto the headrest, her eyes closed; a trace of a smile playing on her lips.

Her eyes found the road again while her throat finally found her voice. “Crazy night, wasn’t it?”

The hazel eyes revealed themselves from behind heavy lids as Tina only nodded her head. _It’s now or never_ , she thought. “You never said where Jodi was tonight.”

_Fuck_ , Bette thought as she took in a noticeably deep breath.

“Oh…um, she had, uh, plans already.” Bette said, evading the truth.

“Oh.” Tina responded, quietly. “You guys meeting up later?”

“Not exactly.”

“Why not?”

Bette finally turned to meet Tina’s eyes again.

“I’m sorry, Bette, it’s none of my business. Forget I asked.” Tina knew she had been pushing, but as a glutton for punishment, she wanted to know as much as she could about the new woman in Bette’s life.

Both women again returned their focus on the road ahead of them as Bette merged onto the freeway. The next song played softly, filling the awkward silence of the front seat.

After a moment, Bette stole a glance at her ex.

“She’s on a date.”

Tina acknowledged the admission with a silent look. Her brow was furrowed, evidencing the confusion the new information had caused. Swallowing, she looked out her window at the passing billboards and slower traffic.

“Alice made it sound like you two were pretty exclusive.”

Bette chuckled ruefully. “Yeah. That’s probably because I made it sound like it was pretty exclusive.”

Tina detected the uneasiness in Bette’s voice, but knew better than to ask anymore questions. It was clear that Bette wanted to keep her guard up. A few more moments passed before either woman spoke again.

“Last weekend I learned that Jodi lacks the genetic code for maintaining a monogamous, committed relationship.” Bette took one hand off the wheel to brush back a stray curl from her cheek. She smiled when her revelation was again met with uncomfortable silence. “I know, poetic justice, right?” The brunette forced another chuckle, expressing her own ideas about what Tina must think.

“I didn’t say that.” Tina quietly replied, shaking her head before looking at Bette again.

“You didn’t have to, Tina.”

“Bette,” Tina sucked in a breath, as the lyrics to “Breathe In” revealed a woman helplessly in love. “Don’t presume to know what I’m thinking based on my silence or what you might perceive as hesitation on my part.”

Exhaling hard, Bette gripped the steering wheel tighter, struggling not to argue with Tina’s position, even though in her heart she believed that the blonde was of the opinion that she was somehow unworthy of a happy and healthy relationship.

“I don’t think for a minute that you don’t deserve to be in a committed relationship or that you deserve to be cheated on…”

“Jodi’s not cheating on me. We aren’t exclusive.”

“But, Bette,” Tina began. She couldn’t complete her thought through the haze of the martinis that now seemed to be an obstacle to a clear-headed statement.

Bette waited for her ex to continue. “But what, Tina?”

The blonde was still looking at the brunette, with a longing that was unrequited at that moment. “It obviously bothers you.”

_She’s right. It bothers me. But I don’t want it to._ Rather than express her true feelings, Bette only shrugged. “She hasn’t promised me anything, I don’t have a right to be bothered by it right now.”

“What about Angie?” Tina asked. “Haven’t you thought about how this will affect our daughter? She’s obviously taken to Jodi. Doesn’t she have a right to be bothered by it?”

“I doubt our daughter knows the complexities of monogamy at only 2 and a half, T.” Bette said, trying to lighten the conversation a little. “It took quite a while before I was comfortable with Jodi coming around while I had Angie with me. Don’t think that I haven’t considered her, or that I have a revolving door of women that she’s witness to.”

“I know that’s not the case, Bette.”

“Good.”

Bette continued driving west towards Tina’s place. Again, only the sound of the stereo was audible between the two former lovers. Tina couldn’t help but think about whether Bette did have a revolving door of women when Angie wasn’t around. The thought of Bette with other women still stung, and even in her state of intoxication, Tina knew that she wasn’t over the beautiful woman in the driver seat.

“I wanted to thank you again for coming to my rescue from Jenny and her agents. I really appreciate your confidence in my work.”

This made Bette smile. “Of course, Tina. I know how dedicated you are, and I think it would be Jenny’s loss if she were to go with any other studio.” Bette’s declaration made Tina beam with pride and glow with love.

“That means a lot coming from you. I know how much you hate the business.”

Bette snickered. “Yeah, you do.”

Tina couldn’t help but feel so relaxed being able to fall back into the familiar presence of her ex-lover. She only wished that she hadn’t been so quick to walk away from it so easily.

“Oh my god, did you see what Jenny was wearing?” The blonde asked, making a face that did nothing to hide her disgust.

“Jesus, I know. What was that dress? Please tell me that if you get the rights that you’ll make sure wardrobe isn’t influenced by Jenny’s real-life fashion sense.”

The two women laughed heartily, enjoying the comfort and ease with which they still shared opinions when it came to something as mundane as a friend’s wardrobe decision.

Sooner than Tina had wanted, they pulled up to her condo. Bette put her Lexus in park and looked at Tina expectantly.

The blonde was struggling with the fact that her night in the presence of her former life partner was ending much earlier than she had anticipated. Her thoughts were racing, trying to come up with any excuse to get Bette inside, forgetting that her boyfriend was still there with his son. Bette caught sight of Henry passing by the front window before her gaze settled on Tina.

Tina gave her a buzzed half-smile that Bette couldn’t help but smile back at and remember those times when that half-smile led to sloppy seductions employed by the blonde.

“Well, here we are.” Bette said.

“Do you wanna come inside?” Tina motioned with her thumb. “Give Angie a kiss goodnight?” Tina prayed that the answer would be in the affirmative.

“Umm,” Bette hesitated. “No, T, I don’t want to impose. I know Henry is here, so…”

“He’s not staying the night.” Tina blurted out, rather quickly which was not lost on Bette.

“He has Mikey, and it’s a school night. I’m sure Angie would love to see you before you left.”

“Do you think she’s still awake?”

“Probably,” Tina lied. “She has a hard time sleeping when Mikey’s here because she’s so excited that she has a playmate.”

Bette glanced at the digital clock on her dashboard. It was still early since Kit’s show was cancelled for the evening.

“Come on, it’s not that late.” Tina reasoned, with intentions that were, even to her, still unclear.

Bette’s reluctance was overshadowed by her need to see her daughter. She reached for her keys and shut off the engine before unbuckling her seatbelt. Tina smiled brightly and quickly exited the front seat.

The blonde waited on the sidewalk with concealed excitement for Bette to make her way from around the SUV. They trotted up the pathway to the front door with Tina slightly leading the way. More than once, she turned to look at Bette to make sure she was really following her, giving her a shy smile when she was caught.

As Tina rummaged in her purse for her house keys, Henry swung the door open wearing a toothy grin.

“Hey babe, you’re home early.” He said as Tina began to make her way inside. “How was the show?”

“Long story.” She answered. Henry leaned in to kiss her, but she shifted her face so that it would land on her cheek. It didn’t go unnoticed by him or by Bette.

“Hi Bette, how are ya?” He asked, offering his hand out.

Bette reciprocated the gesture and shook his hand. “Hello, Henry. I’m doing well, thank you for asking.” He stepped out of her way as she stood in the entryway. The awkwardness in the air was palpable.

“Where are the kids?” Tina asked.

“I just put Angie down, and Mikey is watching a movie. I think she wore him out tonight because he’s just about down for the count.”

Tina walked further inside to the living room area. “Come on, Bette.” She instructed her ex, almost dismissively of Henry’s reply. Bette smiled tightly at Henry before following Tina.

“Hi, Tina!” The curly haired boy yelled as he jumped off her couch and ran to her, clutching her leg in a big hug.

“Hey, Mikey, how are you?” She asked as she patted his back and stroked his hair.

“Good. Wanna watch a movie with me?” Asked the spunky little boy. “We got popcorn and everything.”

“I’m sure the popcorn is cold by now, buddy.” Henry said as he peeled Mikey off of Tina’s leg and guided him back to his seat on the couch.

“Let me just go check on Angie real quick, okay?” Tina placated the little boy.

“Okay!” He said loudly.

Tina looked back at Bette and flashed an apologetic smile, which Bette mirrored.

_This is so fucking weird,_ the brunette thought.

When they reached Angie’s room, Tina carefully turned the door knob. “Sorry about that.” She whispered to Bette once they were far enough inside the room so that neither one of the males in her condo could hear.

“It’s okay.”

The nightlight plugged into the wall was the only source of light that filled the room once Tina closed the door behind them. Bette walked up to the solid oak crib where her daughter peacefully slept. Her heart swelled with pride and she smiled down at the beautiful sight before her. She reached her hand down and stroked the baby’s forehead as a content sigh escaped her lips.

Tina watched with such an ache. This was her family; here in this room, at this very moment. _How did I let things get so fucked up? Why did I ever think I wanted to let you go?_ Caught up in her thoughts caused Tina’s hazel eyes to water with unshed tears. She blinked them back as she rolled her eyes at her own selfishness.

“God T, she’s so beautiful.”

Bette’s soft, sweet voice transported Tina back to the present from her self-interrogation. When the words finally registered in Tina’s inebriated mind, she smiled and went to stand next to Bette.

“Yeah, she is, isn’t she?” The question was rhetorical, but the slight nod of Bette’s head caught Tina’s attention. Tina also reached down into the crib to play with the fluffy curls of hair on top of Angie’s head. “She looks more and more like you as each day passes, you know that?”

The two mothers looked into each other’s smiling eyes; each of them thankful to be sharing this moment of admiration as opposed to fighting one another for it.

“It’s incredible, Bette, how alike you two are in so many ways.” Tina whispered, her attention now back on their sleeping daughter. The regret in Tina’s tone, however slight, was still detectable to her ex. Bette was not about to decipher the kind of regret it was, and thought it best to take her leave before the night became anymore surreal.

Kissing the tips of her fingers, Bette ever-so-softly placed them on Angie’s cheek, careful not to disturb the toddler’s nighttime snooze.

“I’m gonna go now.” She whispered her intent to the blonde.

Tina looked back up and nodded her head, forcing a smile that betrayed the yearning for Bette to stay that was hiding just below the surface.

They retreated from the room and Tina left the door ajar. Both women meandered down the hallway toward the living area where the boys were watching t.v.

“Bye guys, have a good night.” Bette waved to them, noticing that Mikey was dangerously close to falling asleep himself, as he lied on top of Henry’s chest.

Henry waved back. “I’m just gonna walk her out real quick.” Tina announced. He only answered with a slight nod and a puzzled brow.

Tina opened the door for Bette and received a quiet “thank you” for her chivalry.

“Tina, I’m just parked right here, you can go inside with them.”

“Don’t be silly. It’s fine. Thank you so much for the lift home. You were right, it was probably not a good idea for me to get behind the wheel.”

“Sure. I don’t want anything to happen to you, T. You’re too important to Angie.”

Tina looked at Bette, but stopped herself before she asked if she was too important to just Angie. They walked silently down the walkway to the Lexus.

“So, is Henry going to be able to take you to your car tomorrow?” Bette asked.  
Tina momentarily forgot that she would need to make arrangements to get back to the Planet somehow.

“Oh shit.” Tina bit her bottom lip at the realization.

“What is it?”

“I didn’t even think to grab Angie’s car seat from my car when we left.” Tina raised her hand to her forehead as she thought about how she was going to take Angie anywhere without it tomorrow morning.

“Why don’t you just use mine? You can drop it off to me tomorrow or I’ll grab it from you the next time I pick her up?”

“Are you sure? You don’t mind do you?”

“Tina,” Bette said in an almost incredulous tone. “Angie’s safety is my priority. Of course I’m sure you can take her car seat. Let me get it for you.”

Bette unlocked the car doors and leaned into her backseat to pull Angelica’s car seat out.  
As she busied herself with unbuckling the seat, Tina couldn’t help but let her eyes wander over the lean body that used to belong to her. When the sheer blue top hiked up with  
Bette’s reach, Tina stopped breathing for a moment as she caught a glimpse of bare skin just above the black pants. She unconsciously licked her lips and shuddered with the memories of how soft Bette’s skin felt when her body was pressed against her own.

Lifting the seat up and out of the backseat, Bette twisted around and set it on the sidewalk in front of Tina.

“There you go.”

“Thanks again, Bette.”

“No problem.” She said as she turned to shut the back door. Facing Tina again, Bette felt that shyness begin to creep back in. “Well, goodnight, T.”

“Goodnight, Bette.” Tina sidestepped the car seat and took Bette into a warm embrace.

She furrowed her brow, not wanting to let go as she drank in every ounce of Bette with as many senses as she could.

Bette hugged Tina back but with a little more uncertainty than the blonde. She heard Tina’s audible sigh, and thought that it was time to break the embrace. Slipping from Tina’s grasp, the Dean took her leave and began to walk to the driver side.

“Bette?” Tina called out.

“Yes?” Bette stood next to her vehicle with the driver side door open.

“For the record…you’re a great parent.”

This earned Tina a timid smile from her former lover and current love. “Thanks, T. That means a lot coming from you.”

“Drive safe.”

“I will.”

Standing on the sidewalk with a car seat at her feet, Tina watched her ex drive off into the night. Consumed by emptiness, she felt the warm tears fall from her eyes. The sad reality of the life she chose was no longer a life she wanted. Her temporary desire was only a distraction from the real thing that was in front of her all along. Yet, sadly, her realization had come too late and at too great a cost.

Tina picked up Angie’s car seat and made her way back inside the condo where her temporary distraction and his son were waiting for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though this is the end of this particular story, I feel like GenQ could possibly inspire another couple of chapters to this given where the characters ended up in the present. Maybe if I get some additional inspiration, I can bring myself to write it soon.


End file.
